People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
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The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.