i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
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Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown