I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
You Might Also Like
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.