The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
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When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Beware…..
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂