My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
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Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
i baked you a cake
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal