My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
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god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
no one ever comes back
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…