My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
You Might Also Like
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
DOOO EEEET
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.