im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
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Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan