Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
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If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
me, too, girl. me, too.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog