Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
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[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
incredible book dedication
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
My what?
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.