Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
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don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
got so much cardio in today
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Stonehinge