[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
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* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Genius idea!!
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows