STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
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Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.