job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
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“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Yep.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.