*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
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I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
road rage
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much