This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
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I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.