me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
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I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”