My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
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Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
water it, i dare you
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.