Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
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Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Happy Halloween 🎃
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris