Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
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“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
No Google it does not
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops