Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
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I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
want me to check your oil?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses