My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
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Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
HELP 😭
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.