Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
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If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My neck, my back, my…
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL