Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
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I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.