Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
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75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up