What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
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Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
He’s dead
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us