My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Me in tagged photos
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.