From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
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Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
oh u like geography? name every lake
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.