Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
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This is hilarious….
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
there’s probably a fee though
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.