I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Who says great literature is dead?
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you