Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
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death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah