“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
You Might Also Like
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff