I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Not now. I’m deglazing.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.