When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
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You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
what the
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
What even happened today?
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.