Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
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me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
definitely did not do anything wrong
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.