Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
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I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Ovenable?
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion