People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
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technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting