*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
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[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
That time Alicia messaged me
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*