BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
You Might Also Like
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD