Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
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the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Doctors texting each other.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
what could possibly go wrong?
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Potatoes were such a good idea
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.