7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
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[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene