[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
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Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
this is what they would have looked like, though
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??