INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
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This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
What if the weather talks about us?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”