H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
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If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Boom, boom, ching!
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.