At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
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I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
😂😂
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
When you let grandma cat sit