I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
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I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
m’lady
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I feel attacked.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Seems kinda suspicious