i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
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My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung