Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
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Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone