Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
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Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Customize Your Wedding.