[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
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“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.